August isn’t exactly the ideal month for a wedding in the Midwest. It’s hot and muggy, with random torrential downpours and, well, the tendency for everyone to go a little crazy.
And yet here we are, less than a year away from the biggest Midwestern marriage in a long time, as the Big Ten will tie the knot with Pac-12 divorcees Oregon, UCLA, USC and Washington on Aug. 2, 2024, creating an 18-team superconference to rival the SEC (which will hit 16 teams on July 1, 2024, with the additions of Oklahoma and Texas) and the Big 12 (which will hit … well, we’re not sure how many teams yet).
Of course, a year is a long way off; a lot could happen before then, including some possible wedding crashers — we see you, Cal and Stanford — and some juggling of TV contract numbers. And it's bound to be a rough divorce for the Big Ten’s best friend (sorry, ACC)— the Rose Bowl might be a little awkward next January, is all we’re saying.
But it’s never too soon to start planning the wedding reception, either, and so we here at the Big Ten Misery Index figured we’d run through the potential mascot guest list rankings now, while we can still get a venue with, uh, multiple entrances.
We know, we know, the Wolverines don’t technically have a mascot. But they do have coach Jim Harbaugh, and he’s a fine wedding guest, as long as you’re serving steak and whole milk. Also, should you commit any NCAA violations at your wedding — like, say, buying a star recruit a cheeseburger — he definitely won’t rat you out to the NCAA. An added bonus: It looks like Coach Harbs won’t have any Saturday conflicts this September.
The Hoosiers don’t have a mascot either. They also don’t have many conflicts during football season. Just make sure you have a TV set up somewhere during basketball season and, uh, bolt down their chair, while you’re at it.
We get it, Bucky: You were into hip-hop before everyone else. But if you ask the DJ to play “Jump Around” ONE MORE TIME — we’re at 10 already — we will make you regret it the only way we know how … no more charge calls in basketball.
Joe and Josie have been together since 1967 — aka, the last time Indiana and Minnesota won a share of the Big Ten football title — and their 65 years together are a wonderful example of relationship stability. Then again, they’ve insisted on bringing Bill Walton as their plus-one to every event for almost as long, so maybe stability is overrated.
Following an investigation, the Wildcats have announced plans to begin investigating the investigation of their previous investigation and, as such, will not be attending any weddings for the time being, or answering any questions about any investigations. The $800 million football stadium is still gonna get built, though.
A model of dental hygiene (though not orthodontry), Goldy regretfully declines any wedding invites that conflict with the Gophers’ hockey schedule. He’s a master of ice sculptures the rest of the time, though recently they’ve all resembled … oars?
The big Buckeye’s gift for every event is niche jewelry — unfortunately, a gold pants charm does not “go with everything” — buckeye stickers and free tattoos, which can be fun if you’re into it (or just stuck in Columbus for a weekend).
The wedding dress code’s important here: Does a scarf count as formal wear? The Nittany Lion should be OK, but he tends to travel with, oh, 75,000 of his closest friends, all in white — that could upstage the bride.
Unfortunately, a year is probably just enough time for Under Armour to outfit Testudo in a tuxedo featuring the Maryland flag … or the Star-Spangled Banner … or Old Bay seasoning … or all three.
If you thought Sparty in neon green was a look, you’re gonna love Puddles’ expanded wardrobe.
Make sure you have a lot of room if you’re inviting the folks from West Lafayette: You’ll need to fit a train, a giant drum — this was a problem in South Bend a few years back — and an engineering student with a sledgehammer. And while you’re at it, be sure not to seat them at a table with an 11- or 16-seed, either, or they’ll be departing early.
A fantastic guest from August through October. Tends to disappear under the lights in November and January, however — especially against those it considers its lesser (like, say, Arizona State, Utah or Tulane); you’ve been warned, Big Ten.
Scarlet Knight and his brethren have been players in college football longer than anyone else — since 1869, actually — so we know they’ve forgotten more than we could ever know. No, really, they’ve forgotten a lot — like, y’know, how to complete forward passes, or finish seasons with a winning record. (Also, don’t let the Scarlet Knight plan the menu; we just don’t have that kind of DoorDash money.)
More seating fun, as the Huskies bring two mascots — one’s an actual live dog — to the party. (The Huskies’ lone national title in football is more than three decades old and their lone Final Four appearance in men’s basketball turned 70 this year, so they’ll fit in great.)
There’s being stuck on the past, and then there’s ol’ Herbie, who lost the corn-syrup gut but went back to the overalls, for another potential dress code violation. If you’re gonna invite the chief ‘Husker, you better make sure to add “corn on the cob” to your gift registry.
Following the lead of coach Kirk Ferentz, the longest-tenured gridiron boss in the Big Ten, Herky believes the best things come in twos, like couples in love, or points in football.
Again, no official mascot. But they're still the Fighting Illini! Normally, folks with the word “Fighting” in their name aren’t a lot of fun at wedding receptions — it’s a time for love, not war, after all. But we gotta say, the Fighting Illini have really chilled out since hiring head coach Bret Bielema (and now Jim Leonhard, too!) to Badger-ize their football program. (They even have a player nicknamed “Cheese.”) It’s like Wisconsin, but without all the cans of Miller Lite and “Jump Around.” (Bucky, GET AWAY from that DJ!)
We had Sparty checked off as another dress code violator — “Go Green, Go White” doesn’t quite fit for black-tie affairs, y’know? — but then MSU debuted an all-black kit last month that’ll fit right in with the formal crowd. (Plus, if MSU has $95 million for Mel Tucker’s contract, they oughta be able to spring for a sweet gift off the registry.)
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